by Leona Moon
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Are you trying to bring back saggy pants, Aries? Or is it just all of the money in your pockets weighing you down? Your piggy bank is looking good on March 17—Venus is heading into Taurus, your house of money-making mischief! That golden toilet you’ve always wanted—it’s yours.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You are looking something fierce, Taurus! Is it that Head ‘n’ Shoulders you secretly slipped into the Pantene bottle to hide your dandruff problem from your significant other? Maybe it’s that new under-eye cream. Or it’s just Venus entering your sign and transforming you into a bona fide sex god(ess). Update your Tinder profile on March 19.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20) Let it go, Gemini! You can’t always get what you want—and when you get dumped it’s usually for a reason. Venus is entering Taurus, your house of closure and endings, which could mean one of two things: Let go of your ex or finish binge-watching Game of Thrones before the next season starts.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22) Are you joining Events & Adventures, Cancer? Whether you’re seeking the comfort of everlasting friendship or a serious make-out session, your planner is bound to fill up ASAP this month. March 16 marks a day of flirty fun that will have you socializing all day. If paparazzi existed in Marin, they’d be hiding behind racks at Copperfield’s just to snap your pic.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) Get ready to prioritize work over play, Leo! You’ve got a new set of rules to attend to and shoulder pads full of responsibility weighing you down. You’ll be thinking timesheet instead of tequila on March 14. Do your best to carve out a little time for fun—before your friends find a new pack of lions to roam around the town with.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Trying to make a baby, Virgo? We call ‘em like we see ‘em, and honestly—this isn’t the best week to spread your seed. Saturn is going retrograde in Sagittarius on March 14, which will only delay your success in multiplying. Go ahead and keep practicing if you must, but you won’t see results for a few weeks.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Who’s a people-pleaser, Libra? Not you! Get ready to tilt the scales—you could care less what your boss has to say about the font you used in your last email blast. And you certainly don’t care if your significant other likes the latest pair of shoes you’ve decided to invest in. Don’t bite your tongue on March 15.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Put yourself first, Scorpio! Are your friends trying to guilt-trip you into watching The Bachelor and sipping tequila on Monday night when you know you should be hard at work on your latest freelance project? Don’t give in! Your presence really isn’t required for the bachelor to pick the wrong gal. Do yourself a favor and pick money over love in this case.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Did you really just watch three hours straight of QVC (a TV shopping channel), Sagittarius? If you meekly uttered, “Yes,” it’s time for some serious self-reflection. Isaac Mizrahi sure is a personality, but there is no excuse for sacrificing your dignity to this degree. Pull it together on March 16 and evaluate yourself and your actions.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Are you looking for love in all of the wrong places, Capricorn? Being lonely isn’t any fun, but neither is listening to an arrogant, self-absorbed date discuss all of the great things he or she accomplished in a four-year period. Take the time to investigate your next potential date—and by investigate, I mean stalk him or her on Facebook to make sure it isn’t a waste of time.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Tired of your friend crashing on your couch, Aquarius? We’ll spell it out for you, you overly friendly soul—you are being used and abused. That friend who is “staying around to help you make healthy decisions” realistically is “avoiding a rent check.” Kick him or her to the curb on March 14—what are friends for, if not a reality check?
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) Time to think about your career, Pisces. Is this really the position that you’d like to climb the ladder in? Don’t stress—now’s not the time to make big moves, but it is time for big thoughts. Soak up advice from an old mentor on March 15.