by Leona Moon
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) The price is finally right on May 11, Aries! It looks like overindulgence may have been your middle name last month. It happens: Those Mr. Sketch scented markers from your third grade class are tempting. And who could fight off a one-of-a-kind vintage Lisa Frank backpack? Apparently, not you. Watch your budget this month.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Start fresh, Taurus! The new moon is quickly approaching. Set up time this week to bid adieu to comrades who seem to suck your soul. Remember that whatever (or whoever) you decide to keep around will follow you into the new moon cycle starting next week. Get practical and make a list of pros and cons.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20) If you believe, you can achieve, Gemini! You’re eager for a promotion—it’s written all over your face (and the last email you sent to your boss). Everyone knows that the best way to woo your CEO is to tell him that his baby is cute. Its ears may stick out; it may have vomited while you were holding it, but for goodness sake—suck it up; it’s the quickest way.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22) Feeling like your life is an advertisement for Mattress Discounters, Cancer? Before you get swept up in the California king-sized, NASA-approved foam-top mattress, drink a cup of coffee. If the regular cup o’ Joe isn’t doing it for you, you might need to take it to the next level (Red Bull, cough, cough). You’re going to sleep through your alarm on May 8.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) Did someone say promotion, Leo? Well, they did, but clearly you were stuck at “raise.” Money is headed your way, but don’t let your ego inflate too fast. You’re doing well, and it merits a financial reward. But no one needs to hear you roar about it all throughout the office.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Quit being so picky and swipe right, Virgo! Love actually isn’t in the air, but flirting is. Start working out that thumb early—you’re going to be swiping at the speed of light on May 10. A little flirting goes a long way, and is actually more entertaining than cleaning ice cream stains off of your couch while you watch Grey’s Anatomy.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Feeling a little unusually emotional, Libra? Get over it—you’re human, too, airy one! Mars is burning through your house of intimacy and emotions on May 11. While you might be more comfortable taking a brick wall out to dinner, people are good listeners, too. Open up already!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Wondering when you’d finally be able to bankroll from that “As Seen on TV” idea you pitched a few years back, Scorpio? It’s all coming together on May 8—all of your big ideas will start to show signs of life. If the “Better Marriage Blanket”—a blanket designed to hide flatulent-based smells—can make it big, so can literally anything you’ve dreamed up.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Is it steamy in here or did you just shower, Sagittarius? Things are heating up, oh fiery one! We’re talking more than a Tinder tryst here—this is a full-blown ode to the Spice Girls’ “2 Become 1.” You’re about to find your soul mate and divulge every little detail you never thought possible with ease.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Quit focusing on the end game, Capricorn! Coupling up doesn’t mean that you have to negotiate graveyard plots just yet. There’s no doubt that you’ve found a special spark, so enjoy the now—or realistically, enjoy the time together when you still think sweet thoughts while picking up his or her dirty socks and old beer bottles off the floor. Ah, young love.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Couple’s therapy does the soul good, Aquarius! There’s no better way to sort out problems than to convince a therapist to side with you and gang up on your significant other. But, really, you two lovebirds are doing great! Whatever methods you’ve taken recently to sort out speed bumps—it’s made a huge difference. What’s that you hear in the distance? Most likely wedding bells.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) Is your home looking like a page out of a 2003 IKEA catalog, Pisces? It’s time for some upgrades. No one likes a rocking chair that literally might rock you over the edge of your patio. Take the time to invest in some key pieces that will only add to the positive feng shui in your home.