Mt Tam Stars Photo by Will Mackie

Here, you’ll find a cheat sheet to the signs. If you’ve been living under a rock and have somehow managed to get through your entire life without identifying with any traits of your sun sign, this is for you. You’re welcome.

Aries Kourtney Kardashian at a press eventARIES (March 21 – April 19) Kourtney Kardashian is my go-to Aries. But before you write me off, hear me out real quick. She a real bitch. Girlfriend doesn’t give a fuck what you think. Aggressive. Passionate. Stubborn. Bad ass. Driven. She embodies the Aries female.





George ClooneyTAURUS (April 20 – May 20) George Clooney. Exists completely on his own terms. Practical. Indulgent. Sensual. (Well, this is unconfirmed, but if I’m using my intuition . . .) Cautious. This is a sign that’s got an end game planned and will take his or her time tip-toeing to the finish line.





Kanye WestGEMINI (May 21 – June 20) Holy fucking hell. Love him or hate him–most likely a cocktail of both–Kanye mutha fuckin’ West. Spontaneous. Unpredictable. Infuriating. Jack of all trades. Charming. He’s more two-sided than the Olsen twins.




Ariana GrandeCANCER (June 21 – July 22) If the emotionally charged lyrics of Ariana Grande’s sentimental ballads don’t scream Cancer, then I don’t know what does. Intuitive. Family-oriented. Moody. (Remember when she freaked out in that donut shop?) This sign’s got soul and insight.





Jennifer-Lopez-LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) I mean, I’m going to start off by saying I’m 100 percent biased, but: Jennifer Lopez. How is an earthy being so undeniably sexy? Fierce. Natural-born leader. Generous. Center of attention. Big-hearted. Vain. (What, who said that?) And easy on the eyes. Love me some J-Lo.





VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Is there anyone more perfect than Beyonce? Basically no. And if I had to sum up Virgo in one word, it’d be: Perfectionism. Sound like Queen Bey yet? Conversationalist. Highly productive. Critical. Humanitarian. She’s not bossy, she’s the boss.





Cardi BLIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Okkkkuuurrr, listen up. Who isn’t collaborating with Cardi B right now? This bitch got friendship and collab on lock. Friendly. Diplomatic. Hopeless romantic. Indecisive. All about balance. An eye for the expensive, beautiful things in life. She make money moves.





Kris JennerSCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) When you think evil, tell me Kris Jenner doesn’t pop up as one of your top three thoughts. OK, OK, evil has a strong connotation, but this OG mom-ager defines Scorp to a tee: Possessive. Obsessive. Controlling. Dedicated. Passionate. Don’t wrong this sign, ‘cuz you won’t ever make it right.





Taylor Swift RED Tour - Newark, New JerseySAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Taylor. Swift. I know, cue the eye rolls. How can I make a list of celebrities and not mention Tay Tay? That’s like sacrilegious shit in pop culture land. Outgoing. Energetic. Optimistic. World traveler. Priorities include: Living life to the fullest.




Bradley CooperCAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Studly can I? Alright, let’s be real this man makes a garbage bag look delicious. If Bradley Cooper’s work ethic and criminally detached persona doesn’t scream Cap, I’m really not sure what does. Loyal. Disciplined. Ambitious. And often driven by dolla dolla bills, y’all.





Bob MarleyAQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Hello free spirit! This man’s got one love and it’s the universe. Independent. Big thinker. Craves freedom. Innovative. Philosophical. Revolutionary in his own right, Bob Marley more than lived up to his globally conscious air sign.





Rihanna PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) Ever wondered, “What’s Rihanna feeling?” Spoiler alert: yeah, no. This queen wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn’t give af what you think. Emotional. Moody. Empathetic. Artistic. Style goals–she reigns supreme.